I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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