I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
