she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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