I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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