Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
