I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
