if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
