Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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