i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
