well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
