We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
