So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
