i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
