I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
