she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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