Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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