Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
