I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize