Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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