I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
