im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
