Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
