Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
