How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
