giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
