I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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