The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
