Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
