You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
