i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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