I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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