the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
