My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
