Three words: puerto rican gang bang
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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