Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
