Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
