you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
it's like iHOP with fire
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize