Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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