oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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