Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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