i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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