from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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