you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
