I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize