i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
