best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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