Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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