I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
