my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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