"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
