You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
