he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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