the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize