I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
