so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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