i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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